A Certain Uncertainty

I am wrapping up week 5 of my training program. It seems like no time has passed since Tina and I looked each other in the eye and agreed to reshape this body. It also seems 5 whole weeks should produce some miracles. It hasn't. In other words, I am entering a new phase, with heightened concerns.

With 21 weeks before the competition, there are very few things I hold onto for certain. What I am certain of is that I cannot predict how strong I will feel tomorrow. My body feels tired overall, yet I am still willing and ready for each training. 

I am certain that my food cravings, or lack there of, will be a surprise. Some days I have the resolve of a old mule, and other days I open the pantry compulsively hoping for magic--a chocolate caramel treat that is pure protein and wrapped in silver foil with a card that says, "Yes, you can eat this, Kathleen." So far I have been let down each time. 

I am also certain to feel both confident and utterly defeated, ready to give up, possibly in the same hour. 

What I am uncertain of is that after 5 weeks, why more muscle isn't showing. I am lacking confidence that I am really giving each rep my all; maybe I could be pushing myself harder; maybe I am slacking on my water intake, or shaving off a few minutes of cardio. Are tiny shortcuts going to affect outcome 5 weeks into the program?

I look in the mirror at my shoulders just before I pull my shirt over my head each morning. I see scrawny upper body definition. Laughable when I consider how much mass I still need. I think of Olive, the main character in the movie Little Miss Sunshine, who enters a beauty contest oblivious to the much more sophisticated competition around her. I may be walking into a snake pit of humiliation on May 9th. 

So what are my options? To move ahead. I still have over 20 weeks to dole out to myself in this journey. I'd like to think there will be more growth in that time, and I try to remind myself that the big lesson in this quest is one of patience. 

I have heard if driven by a dream, you should do something every day to move closer to it. Sound advice only because you get to a point where you have invested so much time and energy that you cannot go back. The destination, the goal, may begin to look ridiculous, but quitting stops being an option. 

So I am moving forward. When I wake up each morning, this is still what I want to do. Of that I am certain.